In a surprisingly display of legislative chutzpah, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi introduced legislation today that could potentially crack the logjam on health care and finalize its completion. Speaker Pelosi unveiled HR2345, which basically states that Massachusetts would no longer be viewed as a whole or complete state, but instead be reduced to a “dwarf state” categorization.

Massachusetts would no longer receive full states rights, but instead be proportioned according to a 3/5th measure, making it unable to maintain both US senators. This move would effectively nullify the recent election of Scott Brown, the first republican senator from Massachusetts since the model-T was offered in black.

“I can do anything I want. I am Speaker, you know. I honestly should have thought of this back in December. But the drama was too good to pass up,” said Speaker Pelosi. “I knew I was a history making speaker, but this is just incredible, even for me.”

“As a side benefit, this will allow me to finally relax my facial muscles and let my plastic surgery settle into place.”

“I can’t even begin to form words that would adequately address this issue,” Minority leader Mitch McConnell said between breaths, after removing the paper bag from his mouth. “But I should have figured she’d try anything to get that bill moving again. I just never realized how out-of-the-box she’d go.”

“We were outraged at first,” said Sheldon Whitehouse, Senator from Rhode Island. “I mean, what about the rest of us small states? Will be have to be lumped together to form some ‘mega-state’ just so we all don’t cease to exist? That’s a concern for me. However, Speaker Pelosi has assured us that as long as we continue to vote like San Francisco, we would be exempt from the same move.”

“Gosh, it’s a love-hate moment for me,” said Senator John Kerry, also from Massachusetts. “I love my state, but there are always sacrifices to be made for the national cause. I’m just glad that in the language of the bill, it says we are allowed to keep the senior senator as the remaining solitary representative; unless it is a Republican, in which case a special election of union members and state government workers will cast votes for their favorite Democrat to represent the state.”

President Obama weighed in on this startling development: “While this is unprecedented and unusual, I want the people of Massachusetts to know that I will have my best people look into ways in which we can minimize the negative impact upon them. Perhaps we can provide some incentives in the health care bill to help them accept the current situation appropriately. Maybe we can call it the Boston Buyout.”

Obama has assured the people of Massachusetts that he will fight for them, right after November.

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