Like Jason Voorhees, socialism refuses to die. This pernicious ideology has survived countless demonstrations of its basic inability to operate political and economic systems, yet it never falls short of adherents, devotees, and apostles. Mostly, these servants of “The People” are exceedingly well-educated intellectuals, urbane and witty, but frequently adorned with bad facial hair and a chronic inability to truly understand what they idealize as “the Worker.”

My time with Political Derby has taught me that you don’t necessarily have to be explicitly committed to socialism in order to be a Socialist. It’s possible for one to be a socialist without being aware of it. As far as I know, the condition is incurable. Since my education here, I have found many who appear to be supporters of America are actually, in fact, socialist agents hell-bent on the destruction of what we hold most dear.

Most obviously, we all agree that President Obama is a socialist. His support for health care reform, his comments about people “making enough” money, his insistence on using polysyllabic words, all these traits mark him as an agent for the Dictatorship of the Proletariat. But I started reading up on some of the most viable alternatives to Obama for the 2012 elections and discovered that they are also, in fact socialists.

Mitt Romney – At first glance, Romney appears to be anything but a socialist. He’s wealthy, a Republican, and frequently campaigns on such anti-socialist precepts as personal responsibility and American exceptionalism. Yet beneath this facade lurks a primal enemy to American decency. Did you know that Romney tried to defend degenerate liberal Utah Senator Bob Bennett from the righteous wrath of grass-roots Republican activists? It gets better… this faux-American actually supported a comprehensive health care plan for his residents while serving as Governor of that liberal bastion Massachusetts. Simply disgraceful.

Sarah Palin – There’s no cover story here… Comrade Palin is firmly committed to the expropriation of resources from the wealthy and their redistribution to the parasites. What has she to say about Alaska’s genuinely socialist Permanent Dividend Fund? If she were elected as President, would she create a fund like this for all Americans? I’m not saying that Comrade Palin initiated the fund, but she did raise taxes on the oil industry in order to increase the amount of payments. Her commitment to Marxism-Leninism makes itself manifest in her refusal to do away with this offense to property rights.

Mike Huckabee – Soft on crime… way too soft on crime for this Real American. Governor Huckabee, you have to leave that Christian mentality at home when you come into the office… where do you get off commuting and pardoning twice as sentences as your three predecessors combined? I have it on good authority (from Ayn Rand mostly) that Christianity is a type of proto-socialism that exalts weak parasites and lowly criminals. It’s clear that Huckabee is poisoned by this toxic nonsense.

Bobby Jindal – That poor soul… his fall from grace is a true testimony to the sorcerous corruption that is socialism. He was able to resist the siren’s lure when tempted with stimulus money, but now that his state’s coastline is about to be destroyed by an epic oil spill, he has become just another “looter” seeking government handouts. Truly a shame… he was a man who could have been.