Well, I woke up this morning with the most shocking news – I’m getting an award! Not just any award, mind you – the big ol’ goldie himself, an Oscar. Yes, it’s true. The academy, in their immeasurable wisdom, decided that I had the potential to make at least 3 blockbuster films by the end of my career, and decided to – oh, what the hey – reward me for it now, rather than wait until the last scrap of film is cut and in the can.

What? You don’t understand why I’m getting one? Well, of course I’ve done nothing at all already to warrant an Oscar. I don’t even have my SAG card yet. I’ve not written a page of work, not directed any films of merit, not produced a darned thing at this writing. I’ve never been paid a dime for the 3 minutes of acting I’ve done over the course of my adult life. But why should that stop the academy?

The academy is rewarding potential here…dreams…the opportunity to express yourself to your fullest actualization. Reach for the stars kind of stuff. Dreams fill our hearts. Dreams give us hope. Dreams allow us to change. Dreams put food on the table…uh…OK, scratch that last one.

I am so humbled that the academy would consider me, little old me, with their greatest acheivement award. Seriously, why should those who work hardest with all their studio equipment and capital and connections be the ones deserving of the award year in and out? Why am I not deserving of the same credit and attention (and $1.4 million) just because I’ve done nothing to deserve it? After all, if we’re into redistributing wealth, let’s move those awards away from the professionals and give it to me instead. I’m sure they have a stash somewhere lying around that they can dump off on me. That would be the ultimate goal of all this liberalism, isn’t it?

Gosh, imagine that: today, the Oscar. Tomorrow: the Pulitzer. Maybe I can sneak in a World Series ring while I’m at it?