(find other gems like this one at www.despair.com)

Our beloved president is off to vacation in Martha’s Vineyard for 2 weeks – just in time for Hurricane Bill (not Clinton) to pay a visit. I find that just a tad bit ironic, don’t you?

Let’s hope it is an uneventful stay. The last thing we need is for something to happen to the president or his family while there. My reasons are twofold. First, I truly wish the man and his family health and safety. I want him living out his (only) term in office without injury or illness. The second reason is more selfish. I don’t want attention diverted from the real issues, nor everyone to turn sympathetic on him if a minor calamity should befall. Let’s hope the leeches and snakes around him [Axelrod and Emmanuel] won’t gin up a litte “Wag the Dog” scenario to do just that and boost his numbers again.

So it got me thinking. Speaking in purely hypotheticals, what possible scenarios could raise the almighty (with a little ‘a’) president’s poll numbers? I decided to make a list of possibilities.

A few of these are slightly realistic, while some of the scenarios have about the same likelihood that the US soccer team will win the World Cup next June, the KC Royals will play the Washington Senators in the World Series, and the Detroit Lions will win at least 6 games this year. So we’re dealing almost strictly in the hypothetical, OK?

So what will raise the fortunes of our illustrious leader?

1. Foreign attack on US soil – As long as he doesn’t apologize to the terrorists, the Oba-wan should get a spike, as people rally around the C-in-C during times of war and crisis.
Probability of Event: Low, but with increasing likelihood each year.

2. The H1N1 virus takes on ebola-like lethality and becomes a real epidemic, not some media-manufactured crisis story. It’s hard to tell whether this will multiply into a massive pandemic, or just roll around the world and continue to infect without causing catastrophic losses.
POE: Medium likelihood.

3. Mr. I’m-a-nut-job in Iran or his buddy Kim Mentally-Il decide to fire off a missile and actually hit something of value (like Japan, Korea, or Israel). I think the likelihood of a response corresponds to the country; Japan or Korea might warrant a response, but I think Israel’s alone on this one should it happen. It’s like betting against the house.
POE: The word ‘Odds’ typifies this category in so many ways.

4. We suffer through an extended heat wave: Algore imitates the second coming of goddess Gaia and pronounces his gloom and doom epiphanies, and the country wavers and buckles to his wishes to turn the country’s power supply off lest we feel his wrath.
POE: Nil for this summer, but can it go like this 3 years in a row?

5. The First Family gets another dog.
POE: Darn likely if BO (the dog, not the President) keeps pooping on the rug and eating the Rose Garden petals.

6. The economy recovers to a point of serious momentum: I look at Obama claiming the credit on this one akin to an old proverb I often use – “even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then.”
POE: When was the last time it snowed in Hades? Wait till 2011, after the commercial real estate market collapse coupled with the first black shoots of inflation hit, before deciding.

7. If while vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard, the leader of the free world is struck with a new-found desire to be a centrist and conciliatory leader by moving legislation away from lunatic fringe kook category and closer to where the majority of Americans hold their value.
POE: Yeah, right. So a guy can dream, can’t he?