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Through some serious in-house connections, I have received an early transcript on the planned interview between Charlie Gibson and President Barack Obama coming up later this month. (And you thought Drudge was the only one who got the scoop.) There are some edits from the original first draft still included:

[Narrator] “And now, live from the lap of president Obama White House, it’s Charlie Gibson.”

“Good evening, I’m Charlie Gibson. We are here tonight to gawk drool hear the president speak on behalf of a major concern for all Americans—health care. We plan to provide objective, unbiased, serious coverage that has passed unfiltered through the hands of Rahm Emmmanuel on just how awful our health care is. Impoverished. Third world. Worst than Haiti. [Looks off camera]. So the need to address this crisis with record speed and minimal examination is critical.

Since he is right here next to me, let’s turn and invite the president into this infomercial interview.”

CG: “Hello Mr. President.”

BO: “Hello minion Charlie.”

CG: “So why this need for wrecking addressing our health care?”

BO: “It’s a travesty that I as a president and we as a country must oversee the lack of proper health care for about 15% of you. It is what it is—a travesty. And I never waste a travesty. There is great opportunity in travesty. In fact, a travesty is a gold mine, and I want to use it again and again and again.

Why just the other day, while I was listening to Joe Biden, I had the same thought. And I realized what a gold mine he is. And I chuckled and thought to myself, “I wonder if travesty is his middle name?”

That’s right. I am a recycler of travesty. In fact, it’s how I plan to merge both our need for alternative energy and health care together. All under the banner of travesty. I might even make it a campaign slogan in 2012—“Travesty Accomplished”. But, like Cordiero, I am seriously digressing.

Let’s be honest—we’re all paying too much for our health care. At least you all are. [arrogant chuckle] I mean seriously, $20 for a co-pay? A thousand dollars for an MRI? [furrowed brow look] I know how to turn on my computer, and nobody is charging me $200 a pop. So this need to overcharge and bill for lots of procedures that could actually save a person’s life is just too much. This needs to stop.”

CG: “But didn’t the “uninsured” already receive $116 billion in coverage last year from ER’s and other hospital services despite not having any viable or existing policies?”

BO: “You will not repeat those facts again.” [Hand waves in magician-like manner.]

CG: “Yes, my lord.”

BO: “As I was saying, it all starts with doctors. They are just the greediest people I know. Why, when I was community organizer in Chicago, I used to watch those men and women drive around in expensive Mercedes and Cadillac’s.

And I thought,”How unfair that they invested 20 years of their lives and sacrificed countless hours training and preparing for their careers–and after a while they get a Caddy? And we don’t get one also? Totally rigged.

Right then and there, I thought—someday, I am taking over GM. And when I’m done with it, I’ll make sure they’re so cheap than anyone and their immigrant grandmother could buy one with their leftover lunch money.”

CG: “What about minimizing lawsuits and other litigation as a way to cap the costs and keep malpractice insurance down?”

BO: “And who suggested that?”
CG: “Er…um…my deputy producer–”
BO: “Fire him.”
CG: “Yes, my lord.”

BO: “I just want you to know I love lawyers. Lawyers are a great thing. In fact, we need more lawyers. Lots and lots of them. I dream of a day, when our new society is complete, that every citizen will feel as if they went to law school and studied for the bar exam just to make it through the day. In fact, I’d love it if every day felt like the bar exam. Yes – that will be living, my friend.”

CG: “Wow, what a compelling vision of the future. Thank you, Mr. President. And may I say you are looking especially dreamy tonight?”

BO: “You may.”

CG: “Well, that concludes our first interview with the President. Stay tuned for more coverage as we follow every move the first family makes and marvel at their ability to look so fabulous in the process.

Tune in tomorrow to watch Good Morning America where we will explore the hair styles of Bo the First Pup and which nail polish color Michelle prefers to wear when traveling outside the country. Good night.”

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