Big Brother is here for YOU!

By Scott A. Robinson, Editor

Filed Under General, Outside the Track on Apr 1 

Is the state of the economy getting you down? Do you now owe more on your home than it is worth? Have you recently lost your job?

Big Brother would like you to know that his concern for the people knows no end. You can and should trust that all of his policies will most certainly work. However, if you are feeling down in the short-term, Big Brother has provided a way out for you.

Partnering with the Ministry of Health and Human Services, Big Brother in his all-reaching benevolence gives you: “A Guide to Getting Through Tough Economic Times“.

On this fantastic website you can learn what do to if you believe Big Brother’s policies are making you feel stressed or even suicidal. Although, as you know, Big Brother has your interests at heart, so clearly if you believe his policies are at fault for your hardship, you are obviously wrong. However, do not be concerned if you think you feel this way. Government counseling is available to help you understand your error at not cost to you!

In the event that you are suffering from any of these symptoms: depression, anxiety, compulsive behaviors (over-eating, excessive gambling, spending, etc.), or substance abuse (with the exception of smoking, following the example of Big Brother, so we can afford healthcare for the children), Big Brother suggests the following:

There are many other places where you can turn for guidance and support in dealing with the financial problems affecting you or someone you care about. These resources exist at the federal, state and community level and can be found through many sources such as:

Please note that only the federal and state government suggestion is linked by Big Brother because it is the single most important resource and clearly the most likely to fix all of your problems. Also, because Big Brother is a man of the people, don’t forget your other options to find additional government resources to solve your problems. These resources can be found in the government services section of the phone book. As for civic associations and spiritual groups, good luck, you’re on your own. So why don’t you just let Big Brother take care of you? He will only protect you from yourself.

Comments

  • Sartho

    I’m a little disappointed there wasn’t at least something people could click on to express their desire to have Obama removed from office. It wouldn’t even have to be real – people would just have to THINK they’re accomplishing something to give them a renewed purpose for life.

    • http://scottslant.blogspot.com/ Scott A. Robinson

      S,

      See, that’s where you are wrong in your thinking. Although you think you believe Obama should be removed from office, you really don’t believe that. You just don’t know it yet. Go ahead and get your government assistance and soon you will understand.

      • Sartho

        That reminds me of some of my old dating experiences. :)

        I’ll give this one time to see if I come to my senses.

    • JE

      Obama’s best weapon against removal from office is the same one Bush had. Look who assumes the presidency in his place.

  • JE

    Gee, Scott, if i didnt know better i would think there was some sarcasm there. Take off the tin foil hat and let the power of Obammunism fill your life with joy. (Or at least mediocrity and the joy of knowing that at least if you are poor and miserable, everyone else is too, since Big Brother can’t guarantee anything except his ability to reduce us all to the lowest common denominator).

    • http://scottslant.blogspot.com/ Scott A. Robinson

      Sarcasm?

      Who? Me? No. Couldn’t be.

      By the way, did you hear that the federal government just announced boot er um car production was increased by 20% this year?