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For Immediate Release: Steelers to lose Super Bowl Trophies

Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies. After a meeting between National Football League (NFL) Commissioner Roger Goodell and President Barack Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of the Steelers Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.

“We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl,” said Obama. “We are not about to lose this great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times.” Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, thought by many to be the most successful team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not typically successful or have been less successful than the Steelers.

“The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should be, no, rather they are entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy,” Obama explained in his plan that he has imposed on Goodell and the NFL.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investmentsin free agents, careful hiring of coaches, excellent community service, and a commitment to their fans, have prospered greatly over the past 30 years, with evidence shown by their Super Bowl trophies. But the President’s plan calls for the Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama further proclaimed, “In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship dream for every team, for every city, and for every fan.”“My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league,” Obama assured. “That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL that will not have to worry about losing any Super Bowl trophies. The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title.”

Obama went on to promise, “We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a sacrifices. It does not matter the color of the team’s uniforms, the personal decisions that are made, or the players’ performances, but rather if they are a member of this great American league.”

The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance as well as giving them hope once again.

The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steelers division rival, the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals have also have fallen on hard times and have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengals fans all over the world as they can now celebrate their first championship. Finally, one of the Steelers two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys, since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty by uplifting “America’s Team”. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers, but together we can all prosper when we provide the greater good for all.

However, hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans, the President intends for this plan to reach across each of the major sports. He has meet with Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their World Series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates to supplement them and their fan base for having to endure 16 consecutive losing seasons. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream. President Obama plans future meetings with the National Hockey League and Michael Phelps in the coming weeks, as this issue is high on his agenda to provide hope and change in America.

Comments

  • http://CNN Pat

    Is it hearsay that Presiden Obama wants to redistribute trophies. It sounds unbelievable.

  • Sartho

    Are they going to tax already-agreed-upon signing bonuses at 90%?

    • Gil Rice

      Sure they are. Just think how quick they could reduce the deficit when they do. Sometime around 2020!

      • Sartho

        But do you honestly think they’d actually put the money towards paying down the deficit or national debt???? Not hardly!!

  • dw

    Of course, as soon that happens, the Congresscritters would decide that the NFL owners need a bailout…!

  • Troy La Mana

    Let’s just cut to the chase and make both teams the champion.

    • dw

      Better yet, think of the financial stimulus opportunity that could be realized by not having any games at all, and instead redirecting the player and coaches salaries to the less fortunate who were not able to make the cut in the NFL.

  • Alaina Segovia

    Next on his agenda is the elimination of scores for all sporting events… we wouldn’t want to hurt the losers feelings.

  • http://www.sotr.us Cordeiro

    Rabid Philadelphia Eagles fan David Kaiser immediately issued a blistering rebuke of Obama’s trophy redistribution plan declaring that his Eagles were “more deserving of a trohpy than the despised Dallas Cowboys”.