The Sarah Palin Chronicles: Good for a Sunday chuckle

By Jason Wright, Editor

Filed Under General on Aug 31 

THE SARAH PALIN CHRONICLES (PalinFacts.com)

* Sarah Palin is not affected by global warming, evolution or gravity.
* Sarah Palin eats moose. Preferably live.
* Sarah Palin is so HOT that God had to send a hurricane to cool America off.
* Sarah Palin will give birth to the man who will lead humanity’s war against the machines.
* Sarah Palin knows how old the Chinese gymnasts are.

* Sarah Palin wears glasses lest her uncontrollable optic blasts slaughter everyone.
* Queen Elizabeth II curtsied when she was introduced to Sarah Palin.
* Sarah Palin’s enemies are automatically added to the Endangered Species List.
* Sarah Palin is what Willis was talkin ’bout.
* When Sarah Palin attends ritual blood orgies, she always brings the most delicious ambrosia salad.
* Death once had a near-Sarah Palin experience.
* Sarah Palin can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves!
* In the original version, He-Man had the power of Sarah Palin, but the writers felt this would make him way too powerful.
* Sarah Palin was not flown to Ohio in charter jet – she ran there as part of her morning workout.
* Sarah Palin begins every day with a moment of silence for the political enemies buried in her yard.
* Sarah Palin uses French Canadians as bait to catch giant king salmon.
* Sarah Palin once bit the head off a live Osprey snatched from the air as it tried to fly off with a fish she caught.
* When Sarah Palin booked a flight to Europe, the French immediately surrendered.
* Sarah Palin’s finishing move in the VP debate will be pulling Biden’s still beating heart from his chest & taking a bite.
* Sarah Palin isn’t allowed to wield the gavel at the convention because they’re afraid she’ll use it to kill liberals.
* Sarah Palin once won a competitive eating contest by devouring three live caribou.
* Sarah Palin once carved a perfect likeness of the Mona Lisa in a block of ice using only her teeth.
* Sarah Palin will pry your Klondike bar from your cold dead fingers.
* Sarah Palin doesn’t need a gun to hunt. She has been known to throw a bullet through an adult bull elk.
* Sarah Palin drives a Zamboni to work.
* Sarah Palin can divide by zero.

Hat tip to Chuck Muth.

Comments

  • Mike

    Sarah Palin can call him Frances.

  • east-of=eden

    Ok, I have nothing to add, other than, this is the funniest laugh me and the Mister have had in a long time…..good times!

  • Brian H

    Sarah Plain makes Zod kneel before her.

    There is no El Chupacabra, there is only Sarah Palin.

    Sarah Palin doesnt count sheep because Sarah Palin doesn’t sleep.

    “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?” For Sarah Palin….one.

    Sarah Palin invented the internet.

    Sarah Palin knows where Jimmy Hoffa is because she put him there.

    The next Cat 5 hurricane to hit New Orleans will be named Sarah Palin.

    Sarah Palin hung Danny Vermon on a hook……more than once.

  • Stephen Fountain

    Palin calls her husband “the First Dude.”

  • Stephen Fountain

    Sarah Palin can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
    If you can see Sarah Palin, she can see you. If you can’t see Sarah Palin, you may be only seconds away from death.
    Sarah Palin is so fast, she can run around the world and punch herself in the back of the head. But it doesn’t hurt because she’s Sarah Palin.
    Sarah Palin once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.
    Sarah Palin has the greatest poker face of all time. It helped her win the 2007 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a joker, a Get Out Of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 7-2 off-suit, and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
    Sarah Palin can slam a revolving door.
    If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is anywhere around, rest assured that Sarah Palin heard it.
    In order to survive a nulcear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Sarah Palin.
    Sarah Palin once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King… and got one.
    Once, a cobra bit Sarah Palin’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

    • http://www.politicalderby.com/ Jason Wright, Editor

      OK, these were downright hilarious and I just got in trouble for laughing hard enough to wake the kids :)

      “Sarah Palin once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King… and got one.” Nice!!

  • Eric

    So what, exactly, will happen when Sarah Palin comes face-to-face with Chuck Norris?

    • Stephen Fountain

      Oh, Ericson….
      Sarah Palin frightens Chuck Norris of course.

      Little known fact: Chuck Norris wishes he was Sarah Palin trapped in a man’s body.

  • Dave

    Really great

  • Stephen Fountain

    This was really great.

  • Red State Eddio

    HAHA!

    My favorite was the French Canadians…and the still-beating heart of Joe Biden.

    My own humble contributions:

    Sarah Palin knows what’s on the missing 18 minutes of Nixon tapes.

    Sarah Palin once crossed the North Pole…underwater.

    Sarah Palin is going to drill in ANWR with her fingers.

    Sarah Palin makes Hillary Clinton look like Mrs. Fields (yes, including bankruptcy!).

    Sarah Palin will be the one to hunt down and capture Osama Bin Laden.

    Sarah Palin trains the US Navy Seals. (that’s for you, Whodat!)

    Sarah Palin is one butt-kickin’, gun smokin’, Bible totin’, Moose eatin mama who’s gonna clean house in the White House. Go get ‘em!

    • http://www.politicalderby.com/ Jason Wright, Editor

      “Sarah Palin once crossed the North Pole…underwater.” LOL