Barack Obama says on Meet the Press that Hillary Clinton most likely will stay in the race until the end. As of today, the Democratic primary has now lasted approximately 1,342 weeks. What is America to do?

Well fear not, you 72 million registered Democrats (give or take a few million) out there. I have a solution.

Consider the following:

FACT: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are currently in a statistical tie.
FACT: The only way Barack can offer the final blow OR Hillary can pull ahead is for the super delegates to announce for whom they are voting.
FACT: For some reason, many super delegates across the U.S. have still not announced who they are supporting.

THEREFORE: Most of the super delegates are not aware that they are a super delegate.

It’s simple! Once you know you’re a super delegate… you’ll announce your support for either candidate… and then the greatest debate of all time in the history of time and space will come to an end. But how exactly is a person to whether they’re a super delegate?


1. You inexplicably feel a large sense of power and responsibility whenever you watch CSPAN.
2. You’re having dinner at Red Lobster, and Ted Kennedy’s paying.
3. You giggle whenever you overhear someone say “I sure wish the super delegates would just decide already.”
4. Oprah sends you a brand new car – and even pays the taxes on it.
5. You wake up with a hangover, after doing shots with Hillary the night before.
6. Barack stops by Burger King while you’re working the evening shift, and tells you he’s so concerned that you only make minimum wage that it keeps him awake at night.
7. You’ve been fake-interviewed by a Daily Show correspondent. Twice.
8. Chelsea asks you if she can put you in her ‘top 8 friends,’ despite the fact that no one uses MySpace anymore.
9. You suddenly starting using words like “gravitas” and “more important than everyone else I know” when describing yourself in an online personal ad.
10. You’re a Nobel Peace Prize winning, Academy Award winning, former vice-president.