To all our friends, Happy Festivus! More importantly, to all our enemies, Happy Festivus! Yes, that glorious time of year has descended on us again, and we have been blessed to have all the candidates join us in that time-honored tradition, The Airing of the Grievances. So lean back against that cold aluminum pole and gather your energy for the Feats of Strength, which will commence immediately following the airings…

Barack Obama – What’s wrong with you people?! Hillary?! Really?! I know her mom said she likes her, but I heard she was under severe duress when she made that commercial. Nevertheless, I will speak with Hillary and other ruthless dictators without preconditions. And some of you still like her?! What’s wrong with you people?!

Hillary Clinton – I hate all you people. You better fear me. How dare you change your support from my rightful reign of terror to that unpartisan Obama?! If you want mean, I’ll show you mean. You ain’t seen nothing yet!

John Edwards – Man, what a waste of money this is. I should go consult for that hedge fund again. Wait – it’s cold in Iowa and I got volunteers walking around all day in ice and snow. Some of them are bound to fall and hurt themselves – then the cash will start rolling – I’ll sue all of you people who didn’t shovel your private walkways and driveways and lawns! I’ll sue all you Iowan towns for improper plowing! I’m back, baby!

Dennis Kucinich – Where are the 14% of you who’ve seen a UFO?! There should be millions of you – why am I stuck with just Jimmy Carter?!

Joe Biden – What’s with all you people? Why don’t you listen when I say “listen”. I make it so easy for you, I tell you when to listen, and you still don’t!

Mike Gravel
– Where’s that rock? I know I threw it in the water somewhere around here. What happened to all those debates we were supposed to have? I haven’t seen Hillary and Obama and that elf and everybody else in a while…

Chris Dodd – Hello! Hello?! I’m still running for president! Somebody pay attention to me! Is there some new rule that says you need more than 1/4% in the polls to be taken seriously? I gave away my Red Sox tickets for this?!

Bill Richardson – You candidates make me sick! Why are you making me go through all these debates and fundraising when all I want to do is be vice president! Just pick me as your running mate now and we can all stop the charade!

Mitt Romney – Peaceful, happy family and religion. But I can be tough too! Did you see my family football game? We would kick the Kennedys butts any day! And no one would drive drunk off a pier afterwards. How could anyone actually like a Kennedy anyway?!

Duncan Hunter – You kids and your rock music! Reagan wouldn’t have put up with this! American is great! Lincoln! Eisenhower! Roosevelt! Not Franklin, um, the good one!

Mike Huckabee – Darn these news stories. Jesus – what the heck are you doing up there?! I appreciate the polls numbers, but what’s up? And what’s up with my face – is this some kind of sick joke that I look more like Dick Nixon everyday?!

Ron Paul – All you donors and supporters are great, but you better show up at the polls! What age are we living in anyway? Can’t we pass a law allowing my Internet-bound fan base to vote from the safety of their computers? I’d win in a landslide!

Fred Thompson – I can’t believe all you writers are still on strike! I’m running for president here and I don’t plan on working very hard at it, so settle already and write me some material!

Rudy Giuliani – I can’t believe you Yankee fans actually believe Hillary is a fan too! If you even think about supporting her… Don’t make me send a roid-raging Roger Clemens after you!

Tom Tancredo – Get these aliens away from me! No, I mean the human kind – Kucinich is handling the others. You know, if we just hired some illegals to do it, that fence would be built already!

John McCain – I can’t believe that Joe Lieberman – I told him I was wearing a black suit and blue tie and that idiot come out endorsing me in the same outfit! I even added a sweater, and then he did too! He made me look like so stupid! Next time he pulls something like that I’ll show him a thing or two about waterboarding…

Happy Festivus everyone! Celebrate appropriately!